Let Them Eat Botox

"Mar-a-Lago face" is more than just skin deep

They’re the faces that launched a thousand jokes. With inflated lips, frozen foreheads, Restylane-packed cheeks, and elvish noses, Kristi Noem, Lauren Sanchez, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Lara Trump, and Laura Loomer are the poster women for Mar-a-Lago face. Matt Gaetz may look equally parts frozen and surprised, but it’s the women in Trump’s orbit who’ve embraced this look.

In these before and after photos, you’ll notice two things. 1) Mar-a-Lago face adheres to an unspoken, but rigid, set of rules. 2) All of the women had perfectly beautiful human faces before their transformations.

While Mar-a-Lago face is easy to mock—and we all know it’s not cool to mock a woman’s appearance—it speaks to something much deeper and more troubling than surface beauty. It’s a physical depiction of Trumpism.

Fashion and beauty have been powerful tools to communicate social status for most of human history. In ancient Greece, the nobility signaled their importance by wearing garments of linen and imported silk. Queen Elizabeth I’s heavily painted white face projected power and youth, even if her lead-based foundation proved toxic. At Versailles, Louis XIV employed strict dress codes requiring courtiers to wear expensive clothing to maintain their proximity at court and demonstrate their loyalty.

So it goes with Mar-a-Lago face, with its jarring brew of excessive cheek and lip filler, Botox, lacquered brows, hair extensions, and false eyelashes. Though we could debate whether the results are pleasing to the eye, one thing is certain: Possessing Mar-a-Lago face is a tribal signal that immediately broadcasts who is in and who is out.

The MAGA cult worships wealth

If you want Mar-a-Lago face, you’ll need plenty of disposable income. This Huffpost article breaks the costs down by procedure. Expect to pay around $90,000 for the initial cosmetic procedures, then budget at least $2,500 for yearly maintenance. You’ll also need a few weeks to recover, preferably at a private spa. There, you can expect to burn another $10,000-$14,000. If you need to dip into your 401K or bank your PTO to cover it, you can’t afford it.

Psychotherapy is cheaper. Just saying.

MAGA is terrified of drag queens and transgender people

The growing acceptance of the LGBTQ community scares the crap out of these folks. Is it any wonder, then, that Mar-a-Lago face relies heavily on traditional female gender norms? That the heavy contouring, smoky eyes, and ridiculously long hair extensions they embrace are a drag version of femininity and sex appeal—except without the irony and fun of drag—is lost on this humorless crowd.

MAGA narcissists are experts at denying reality

Along with their focus on the perfect appearance and endless craving for admiration, narcissists like Trump and Company are adept at denying any reality that punctures their carefully cultivated self-mythology. This means that the greatest insult to a narcissist is the aging process itself. The inevitable physical decline that happens to each and every living organism directly challenges their illusions of perpetual youth. Trump’s spray tan and complicated combover are simply the male version of the injectable filler, fake hair, and Botox—the Holy Trinity of Mar-a-Lago face.

MAGA is cocky and aggressive

The goal of cosmetic procedures traditionally has been to subtly improve your look without shocking your friends. I’m old enough to remember when a conversation about one’s successful cosmetic procedure sounded something like this:

“Gee, Linda. You look great! You must be getting your beauty sleep.”

“Oh, aren’t you a sweetie?”

Then Linda smiles to herself, knowing her secret is still safe.

But just like everything MAGA, Mar-a-Lago face is—well—in your face. From the exaggerated lips and cheeks to the spackled-on make-up, the look is aggressive, peculiar, and unapologetically fake.

MAGA embraces authoritarianism

Authoritarian and fascist movements have always relied on aesthetics to define gender roles and promote their vision of perfection. Here, beauty equals virtue and imperfection equals evil. Mar-a-Lago face is their template for feminine beauty. Its formula erases facial diversity. Frozen expressions are now the ultimate symbol of power and belonging. Let’s call it Nouveau Fascist Chic.

All of this made me ache a bit for the women who deformed themselves changed their faces to become part of the in crowd, but not for long. They are horrible people, after all.

Then, because I am not quite right in the head, I started to wonder what I would look like with Mar-a-Lago face. So I uploaded my picture into an AI program, prompted it to give me the Mar-a-Lago treatment, and violà!

Okay. Wait a second before you scroll. I know I need a root touch-up. I didn’t use my tinted moisturizer, a wisp of mascara, or fill in my brows. I am embracing my naked face vulnerability here. Please be kind.

Now here I am with my AI-generated Mar-a-Lago face. It’s quite a jolt.

While I would love to look a bit more like the first picture, I know that due to my limited budget, I would end up looking like the crone on the right. You know, the one who looks like she can knock back a few whiskeys, steal your husband, slash Medicaid, and send thousands of innocents to a Florida detention center without ruffling a hair extension.

Would I love a few less lines and a smoother neck? Of course. Would I want to look like that? Hell no. And anyway, no one promised me that I’d stay thirty forever.

George Orwell is often credited with saying, “At 50, everyone has the face he deserves.” I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is cruelty, aggression, narcissism, scapegoating, and fascism hiding behind a constructed, frozen mask and plastic smile.

That’s what really makes Mar-a-Lago face so hideous.