What I did today instead of working the Substack App like a stripper pole

No one's clamoring for a new Substack post from me. I am simply a middle-aged woman with an attitude and a facility for words. Still, I didn’t want to break my streak of churning something out every week, so here’s what I’ve got.

What I did today instead of working the Substack App like a stripper pole:

1.

I made a peach pie. As I was making a blueberry pie the other week, I thought to myself, why not peach? They taste divine, and peaches are on sale at Acme. Well, I forgot what a pain in the ass it is to actually peel and slice six cups of peaches.

The pie doesn’t look great—somehow the slits I make in the crust always end up looking like mean faces, like the pie is angry at me for something I said—but it’s delicious. I have been eating it straight out of the pie pan.

2.

I read a book for three hours. The simple act of uninterrupted reading was more delicious than my peach pie. I’m reading America Fantastica by Tim O'Brien. It’s kinetic, it’s fun, it’s intelligent, and it's the first fiction book that I've picked up in a long time because I've been so damn busy. I highly recommend it.

I haven’t finished it yet, but here’s my review:

[In a breathless voice]: “Imagine Cormac McCarthy, except with a sense of humor and an outrageous imagination. Blend that with the trenchant, Hunter S. Thompson-like observations on our rotting American culture. Then toss in the energetic prose and vocabulary of a young Melville—"

Oh, for God’s sake. It’s Tim O’ Brien, and it’s a damn good read. And don’t get in my way until I finish my book or I will cut you.

3.

I caught up on my email, purging the missives that failed to bring me joy and responding to the ones that couldn’t wait. One such email that failed to bring me joy was from an older Indivisible member who shared a fantastic idea on how we can communicate secretly about ICE activities in our county: He wants me to teach everybody Morse code.

Morse code.

I swear to you, I almost popped a vessel when I read it. I can't even get people to fill out a Google form or use Signal correctly. The thought of teaching anybody Morse code makes me want to stab myself in the leg with a pen.

4.

We took our dogs to the new dog park in our neighboring community. I guess we're not supposed to use it, but there were no signs or locks on the gate, so we let Coco and Otis frolic for a bit.

By the way, if anybody has advice on how to keep a puppy from nipping at your legs, I'm all ears. Nothing violent or mean. Just, you know, dog whisperer-style tips.

You should see the bruises on my legs—no, I don’t have scurvy and I’m not on blood thinners. It's the puppy. She's a 45-pound piranha. I love her and also want to catapult her over our fence. I guess you could say we are in a complicated relationship.

5.

After sending out invoices to my clients because I’d like to pay the mortgage this month, I thought about mopping the floor. I quickly dismissed the idea as ridiculous. Then, I paced around the house and marveled at how I spent half of my Saturday cleaning, and two days later it looks like somebody fed a whole bunch of branches into a woodchipper right in the middle of my living room. I then briefly toyed with the idea of cleaning out the toaster oven, but that’s just not me. I’ve had an aversion to wiping out my toaster oven ever since I found a dead mouse in one at our family cabin. Try as I might to turn over a new leaf, there is no such leaf in existence that can help.

6.

I drank four Dr. Pepper Zeros and eight cups of coffee. Listen. I can metabolize caffeine like a champ, and I am convinced it's the only thing holding my organs together at this point.

So there’s my list of today’s non-Substack accomplishments. If this doesn’t get me to 250 subscribers, I don’t know what will. Have a great week. And as always, thanks for reading. I appreciate you more than you know!

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As a plus for the stalwart who have made it this far, I will now break the fourth wall and tell you how I slapped this post together. Throughout the day I used the voice memo app on my phone to record my thoughts. I downloaded the recording, then had AI transcribe it so I had every stream-of-consciousness observation at my fingertips. Then I let my brain and fingers take the wheel and spun that straw into gold, baby.

I have included the AI summaries of those voice memos here because I find them both sad and hilarious. They made me laugh really hard until I stopped.

AI notes on my pathetic voice memos

The speaker shared a personal account of activities they engaged in instead of working on their Substack app. They described three main activities:

First, they made a peach pie, following up on a previous blueberry pie they had baked. While they enjoyed the result and have been eating it directly from the pie pan, they noted that peeling and slicing six cups of peaches was unexpectedly laborious.

Second, they began reading "America Fantastica" by Tim O'Brien, which they highly recommend despite not having finished it yet. The speaker described the book as "kinetic," "fun," and "intelligent," and mentioned they're deliberately reading it slowly to savor it, as it's the first fiction book they've read in a long time due to their busy work schedule.

Third, they cleaned up their email inbox, reading and purging accumulated messages. The speaker specifically mentioned an email from an older member of their organization called Indivisible, who suggested teaching everyone Morse code as a method for secret communication about ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement). The speaker found this suggestion frustrating, noting humorously that they "can't even get people to fill out a Google form correctly" and that the thought of teaching Morse code made them "want to stab myself in the leg with a pen."

The meeting transcript consists of a brief personal anecdote shared by an unidentified speaker. The speaker describes taking their dogs, Coco and Otis, to a dog park located in a neighboring community. The speaker acknowledges that they were not supposed to use this particular dog park but did so anyway. The speaker mentions that both they and their husband went to the park with their dogs and spent time playing there.

The speaker shared a stream-of-consciousness monologue about their day and personal thoughts on Labor Day. They began by seeking advice on preventing their puppy from nipping at their legs, mentioning they have bruises that won't heal. The speaker then discussed their addiction to Candy Crush, admitting they often make in-app purchases despite promising themselves they wouldn't.

The speaker mentioned completing professional responsibilities by billing and invoicing clients to pay their mortgage. They considered mopping the floor but decided against it. Since getting their puppy Coco on June 1st, they had neglected their bird feeders and bird buddy device, which they remedied today by filling the feeders with seed and recharging the battery. They expressed joy at seeing birds return and also cleaned the bird bath and pulled the most noticeable weeds from their front yard.

The speaker discussed their significant caffeine consumption, including four Dr. Pepper Zeros and eight cups of coffee, claiming they can "metabolize caffeine like a champ." They reflected on their grandfather who died on Labor Day, remembering how he was deeply affected by waste due to growing up during the Depression. This memory caused the speaker to eat peach skins out of guilt.

They mentioned running to Pet Sport to purchase a new collar for Coco, who had outgrown her previous one, describing the puppy as having a "thick bulldog neck that just explodes with power." The speaker also noted needing to buy shoes because of damage caused by the puppy.

The speaker made self-deprecating comments about their Substack newsletter, which has only 217 subscribers. They again mentioned the bruises caused by their puppy, describing Coco as "a 45-pound piranha." They discussed their husband's desire for a Labor Day cookout, despite not owning a grill since 1999, when choosing and assembling one "almost ruined their marriage." The speaker expressed their dislike for grilling, finding it messy, gross, space-consuming, and wasteful, calling their anti-grilling stance "completely un-American." Instead, they planned to boil hot dogs and corn, make potatoes, and serve leftover peach pie.

The speaker mentioned avoiding LinkedIn, calling it "a gaping maw of despair" and "the most depressing place on earth." They expressed frustration about how quickly their house becomes messy after cleaning, comparing it to branches chopped up in a wood chipper. Finally, they admitted they couldn't bring themselves to clean the toaster oven despite briefly considering it.